I'm going to go eat some ice cream now because that's always good. I doubt you know what I should do either, but thank you for reading all the same.

I am over him but I'm not over what i did to. When I was a kid I was certain that were it legal and bore no social stigma my parents would have happily had someone kill me. My last relationship was a disaster that broke me utterly and I'm frightened I might never recover - it was a situation where I gave and gave and gave and only got table scraps back until he dumped me for the possibility of some other girl. I'm sure the world actually isn't pointless and hollow, or at least it isn't for someone who has a functioning brain and some experience of love and acceptance and security as a child so they at least know what it feels like. My mother opted out, maybe our brains are just broken in this line. But life seems like a unending big stretch of purposelessness and pain and I don't know if I can do it. I'd like to have relationships and friendships again but the older I grow the less capable of it I seem. I don't trust new people easily at all since my internal radar seems to lead me to really bad people about %75 of the time. I don't know where to go or what to do in literally any area of my life, I have no one to talk to, and if I did go to them with this it would just scare the shit out them. My lease is up at the end of this month and I need to move out of NY because it's straining even MY finances, so I'm currently in New Orleans checking that out, but I lost steam yesterday and I've just been in bed in the airbnb, everything seems gray and not worth it. I have nowhere to go each day, nowhere I'm wanted, and I avoid spending too much time with my friends for fear of sucking them dry emotionally - I've done it before and I'd rather not lose the remaining people who do bother with me. I am over him but I'm not over what i did to myself. My last relationship was a disaster that broke me utterly and I'm frightened I might never recover - it was a situation where I gave and gave and gave and only got table scraps back until he dumped me for the possibility of some other girl. I sabotage any job I have or just outright fuck it up - I can't stand being told what to do because my father used that as THE premiere platform for abuse and control so my jobs don't last long. With every solution it seems I just go back to baseline, binging netflix and mentally writing suicide notes. various jobs hoping getting out of the house would help all sorts of woo-woo crystal new age bullshit

IV ketamine therapy helps for a couple weeks every time I do it Yes, I know I'm depressed, here's the shit I've tried Life seem too exhausting to live and I think about suicide daily. I was neglected mentally and emotionally while being verbally, physically, and sexually abused.Īnyway fast forward to now, all my relationship have been train wrecks, I've been moving from city to city for the past ten years trying to find a home, but once I settle in to a place I tend not to leave my house. We were a rich family but an extremely dysfunctional one. It's inherited and is only mine because my mother blew her brains out ten years ago.

Iam 36 ifeel i want to due